Just Don't Know

Before I begin. I want to start out saying that I'm in no way being a whiny little bitch or in anyway complaining about my life. Nor do I believe that I'm in a bad position in any way, shape, or form. And, I'm not looking for sympathy, pity, or encouragement or anything of that sort. Not, doing that whole woe is me bullshit, and I'm damn sure not blaming anybody but myself. 

That being said...

I have some fucked up shit going on in my head. I'm not sure what it is, I was clinically diagnosed years ago with depression and I mildly agree with that. But, it seems to be more than just mere depression. I have little motivation to do much of anything, unless it's something that is absolutely necessary. Even as much as I love fishing, if I don't either take off when I make the decision to go, or basically force myself to go, if I have to plan it for later, I won't go. Hell, I just bought a damn boat so I can access the lake better and get to the deeper parts during winter. I have a ton of shit I need and want to do around the house and at the shop, but I just have a problem getting of my ass and getting shit done. When it comes to work, I do enjoy my job and most of the people I work with. Yet, I still have a hard time getting around, not near as bad as my personal stuff at home, but still enough to bug the fuck out of me. Because I know if I didn't need the job, I wouldn't bother. Just like everything else though, once I get started, I'm golden, just like Pony Boy. I will fucking rock what I'm doing and I don't stop till I'm fucking done or at a good stopping point for the day. I'm beginning to think there either something wrong with my carb or the choke is stuck. 

I just don't know what's wrong, or off kilter. I've been on three different medications for depression, tried herbal shit. Putting a name on what it is doesn't concern me any, just want to figure out a way to make shit work again. When I was younger, I didn't have this problem. If I knew something needed to be done, I set a time and a goal and went and did the shit, got it done, and went home. Now, I set a time and a goal, and make excuses and put it off for another fifteen minutes. Today is a good example, I'm taking some birds and rabbits to a local auction tonight, check in started two hours ago. I had planned to have that done and back home working on my truck by now. But, I'm just now getting in the shower. First it was, after this cup of coffee, at seven this morning, then it was after breakfast at eight thirty, then it was well I need to dry my pants (my fault for forgetting to throw them in the dryer last night) and now I'm sitting here writing this. 

But, writing this, I'm not going to get mad at myself about. I was standing at my back door smoking, and was looking around and my yard looks like shit, complete and utter shit. Telling myself I need to get this done and that done. Thought, wish I had more time to do this stuff, then as I was walking back to the bathroom to shower. I called bullshit on myself. Because I do have enough time to take care of this shit. I have plenty of goddamn energy for it, and I'm by far not a lazy person. Although I do feel that way when I can't get myself off my ass to do it. I don't put it off to be lazy or because I just don't want to do it. I don't dread doing any of it, I just dread starting. I just don't do it. And, I don't know why. 

I don't suffer depression, it's a symptom I have. It's not a struggle for me, I just deal with it and go on. Like everything else in life, adapt and compensate, except I have a problem with the compensate part.

I don't write here to get pity or sympathy, I don't need encouragement or a cheerleader. I write here to express the thoughts I have nowhere else to express, and though some of it may seem random and inconciquintal, I really have no where else to express myself truly and fully. 

Just fuckin tired.

I guess it's just an aggravating day for me. Little shit that's usually just minor gripes are really pissing me off today. 

I'm tired of Facebook links that send you to a fucking link to the article you want to read. Just send me to the main article.

I'm tired of multi page articles, it 2015 for fucks sake, keep it all on one page.

I'm tired of articles that are stock and unimaginative. Do some goddamn research that involves you actually getting up from your fucking desk.

I'm tired of dipshits who get pissed off and act like assholes because someone else did something they don't agree with and has absolutely no fucking affect on their lives. 

I'm tired of people being selfish little pricks. Only thinking about themselves and how to enrich their lives. Without even the faintest thought to how it makes others feel. 

On a similar note...

I'm tired of fuckers who just think about how bad their life is, oh woe is me. Who gives a fuck. There's only one person in the whole damn world who doesn't have it better than anybody else. Everybody else on the whole damn planet has it better than someone. 

I'm tired of television shows that have people so self absorbed and stupid that they would have been institutionalized by the end of the second episode for the stupid shit they've done.

I'm tired of jackasses who think donating to Goodwill is giving to charity. 

And by the way, it isn't '101 Uses For Duct Tape' it just you thinking of one hundred and one things to tape to one hundred and one different things. 

Do Unto Yourself As You Expect Of Others.

As I sit and walk through this life, I have a tendency to watch other people. And, I find it funny how people see the faults in other but not the same ones in themselves. 

I've had acquaintances that I've seen out with other people and then turn around and bitch because they caught their significant other with someone else. I have watched parents gripe about how another parents child acts and ignore their child doing something just as disrespectful. Or, bitch about how this kids parents get them anything they want or buy them something because they had a bad day, yet to their child the meaning of want is to get. 

This isn't about morals, or right and wrong. It's about how we refuse to see in ourselves what we see in others. Not just what's undesirable but also what is desirable. I try to reflect upon myself when I see something in others that I don't agree with and see if I allow the same things in my life and my mind. I may not be perfect but I try to be what I expect of others. 

NFL Draft And Sports Controversy.

Was at a friends house watching the NFL Draft. I had heard about this Gregory kid before in idle conversation, and then during the draft about his failed drug test at the combine. And, me and my friend got to talking about all the shit going on in sports off the sidelines. And with what these players go through, not only on the field but off it also. It's not hard to understand why they get this way, and I've come to actually expect it. I don't believe it's ok, nor do I condone it, just expect it. And, you should too, so should anybody who chooses to get into a relationship with them. And, I don't blame the players, coaches, or the league itself for the majority of it.

And, I'll tell to yer face, I swear to god I will.  

These guys are expected to not only preform to the utmost ability, but to keep that level day in and day out. In practice and in the game. Because, ya know what, if they slack off, they get dropped from their position and get put on the bench instead of starting. And, for those that don't know, if they ain't playing, they don't get that six figure a year deal. So, I understand why they get on the drugs, both illegal and legal ones, not only to enhance their performance, but to also relax, relive stress, and to kill the pain. That's one thing I respect about how OKC handled Durant's foot problem, they could have cortisone'd his ass and sent him out. But, they said they were going to get him healed up right, before they put him back in the lineup. Not all sports teams do that, actually most don't. They only care about the win, because that's all you care about. 

Back to the drug issue for a bit. You only hear about the illegal shit the players do, the pot, the coke, heroine, opiates, shit of that sort, you don't hear about all the doctor prescribed drugs they pump into these guys to keep them on the field and at their peak. Just because it's got a doctors signature on it, don't make its safe or non-addictive nor performance enhancing.

Now back to where I was going. I said it's not the players or the leagues or even the coaches fault. It's yours, it's our fault. If these guys weren't out there delivering the big hits, hitting all the threes, slamming all the dunks from the three point line, hitting 450' homers, making slap shots from thirty feet out, hanging on for eight seconds, plowing over 1,500 pounds of linemen for a yard, winning all the gold medals, landing a spike that bloodied the blockers nose and didn't even touch them, and the list can go on forever if you wish. But, if these guys weren't performing like they currently are, then you wouldn't watch. You'd move on, and there'd be no professional sports... or Avenger movies. The American society has created these human beasts. It's not just sports, it's cinema also. We, want harder hits, longer homers, glass shattering dunks, fifty foot threes, deflate and bury the ball spikes, slap shots that sever all the fingers, swimmers that outrun porpoises, bigger explosions, more blood, harsher wrecks, more bigger badasser explosiveier bloodier trainier wreckiers. But don't do any drugs, stay clean, you're a role model. Fuck that, you should be your kids goddamn role model, if you aren't you're a fucking sack off shit. Your children shouldn't learn how to behave from sports or movies or television, or even their teachers at school, that's the responsibility you took on when you decide to fuck whomever you did to produce that child, it's in the terms and conditions. And, I'll tell to yer face, I swear to god I will. Nobody cares about the actual story or the players anymore, we don't want a to be told a tale, we don't want to know how much it hurts just getting up in the mornings. And, it's evident in the movies that become blockbusters, and the television shows that get top ratings too. We want to see people suffer. Even though Batman caused more destruction trying to catch The Joker than the Joker did to provoke him. Batman is the hero, same with Iron Man, the Hulk, and countless other superheroes. 

It's not them it's us, they are a product of our society. They are what we want to see. People constantly bitch about some player knocking his old lady out in the elevator, or another raping a few ladies, smoking pot at a party, or whatever the train wreck is that is the Kardashians. You say you don't agree with what they do, yet you still tune in to see what they'll do and how hard they'll do it, or how hard they either go down or take somebody down. They do it to be the best for your entertainment purposes. Not because they're inherently bad or mean. They're mean because of the pressure to preform and the drugs they take to keep them performing. 

So, I say this. If you don't like how these people act in their day to day lives, don't watch their respective sport or movie or show. Dry up the money well, then there will be no pressure for the performance you have come to expect. Then, they won't have to do all the drugs that make them preform like they do and hit people or rape them and what have ya.