Just Don't Know

Before I begin. I want to start out saying that I'm in no way being a whiny little bitch or in anyway complaining about my life. Nor do I believe that I'm in a bad position in any way, shape, or form. And, I'm not looking for sympathy, pity, or encouragement or anything of that sort. Not, doing that whole woe is me bullshit, and I'm damn sure not blaming anybody but myself. 

That being said...

I have some fucked up shit going on in my head. I'm not sure what it is, I was clinically diagnosed years ago with depression and I mildly agree with that. But, it seems to be more than just mere depression. I have little motivation to do much of anything, unless it's something that is absolutely necessary. Even as much as I love fishing, if I don't either take off when I make the decision to go, or basically force myself to go, if I have to plan it for later, I won't go. Hell, I just bought a damn boat so I can access the lake better and get to the deeper parts during winter. I have a ton of shit I need and want to do around the house and at the shop, but I just have a problem getting of my ass and getting shit done. When it comes to work, I do enjoy my job and most of the people I work with. Yet, I still have a hard time getting around, not near as bad as my personal stuff at home, but still enough to bug the fuck out of me. Because I know if I didn't need the job, I wouldn't bother. Just like everything else though, once I get started, I'm golden, just like Pony Boy. I will fucking rock what I'm doing and I don't stop till I'm fucking done or at a good stopping point for the day. I'm beginning to think there either something wrong with my carb or the choke is stuck. 

I just don't know what's wrong, or off kilter. I've been on three different medications for depression, tried herbal shit. Putting a name on what it is doesn't concern me any, just want to figure out a way to make shit work again. When I was younger, I didn't have this problem. If I knew something needed to be done, I set a time and a goal and went and did the shit, got it done, and went home. Now, I set a time and a goal, and make excuses and put it off for another fifteen minutes. Today is a good example, I'm taking some birds and rabbits to a local auction tonight, check in started two hours ago. I had planned to have that done and back home working on my truck by now. But, I'm just now getting in the shower. First it was, after this cup of coffee, at seven this morning, then it was after breakfast at eight thirty, then it was well I need to dry my pants (my fault for forgetting to throw them in the dryer last night) and now I'm sitting here writing this. 

But, writing this, I'm not going to get mad at myself about. I was standing at my back door smoking, and was looking around and my yard looks like shit, complete and utter shit. Telling myself I need to get this done and that done. Thought, wish I had more time to do this stuff, then as I was walking back to the bathroom to shower. I called bullshit on myself. Because I do have enough time to take care of this shit. I have plenty of goddamn energy for it, and I'm by far not a lazy person. Although I do feel that way when I can't get myself off my ass to do it. I don't put it off to be lazy or because I just don't want to do it. I don't dread doing any of it, I just dread starting. I just don't do it. And, I don't know why. 

I don't suffer depression, it's a symptom I have. It's not a struggle for me, I just deal with it and go on. Like everything else in life, adapt and compensate, except I have a problem with the compensate part.

I don't write here to get pity or sympathy, I don't need encouragement or a cheerleader. I write here to express the thoughts I have nowhere else to express, and though some of it may seem random and inconciquintal, I really have no where else to express myself truly and fully.