Saturday, September 9, 2017

Don't know

I know a lot of people struggle with depression, some take medicine, some exercise, some meditate, some drink or drug, some run away, some just suffer, then there's a few that end their own lives to escape. I'm partial to the suffering one, (not that I like suffering) the others don't appeal to me, yes I do drink, but not to drown my "sorrows". I don't care for doctors nor their false cures of medication. Not into drugs. Too damned far gone to care to bother with exercise, meditation, or any variation there of. Running is temporary. And, although I have considered killing my self, I'm not going out that way, fuck that, this world will have to take me before I'll ever give in. But, I have wished I wouldn't wake up, and have fantasize about having a bad accident where I didn't survive. Yes, I do own a gun, if I was going to kill myself I'd done it by now, so move along.

But, with all that, it doesn't... It don't express my true feelings on the subject. I don't wish to die. I don't wish to be held, or for somebody to "love" me. Nor, do I wish people understood my "pain" or "condition". It's deeper than thoughts of suicide or death by happenstance. Its the thought of never having existed at all, to spare everyone the burden of you. If your birth had never happened, then there would be absolutely no sadness regarding your absence. No one would have to fake concern for you. I don't want your pitty, damn sure don't want your prayers. Its not about seeking porpoise, or belonging, or family. It has nothing to do with being alone or lonely. I would be content with living by myself in the woods with just my animals and only going to town once a month (if that often) for supplies. I know I have depression, and although it's consider mild to moderate (because I don't have active thoughts of suicide) it doesn't feel mild or moderate. It's actually pretty damn crippling. Motivation doesn't exist in my world. I have a lot of shit that I need to do. But, when it comes down to it, it seldom gets done. I know I am fully capable of doing the things, but am handicapped by my thoughts. I know my life has no meaning on this planet, and there is no such thing as legacy. Our children will have different ideals than we have, just the same as ours are different than our parents. And, how many of us can honestly say what our great grandparents stood for? How's that for some legacy?

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