Thursday, May 3, 2018

My life

And she said to him, "Who has hurt you so much?"

"So far...


As they sat there in silence, her hands on his, he wondered why he was even still alive. Did he even deserve to be? If so, why was he always a burden to others? Did he not deserve love like most people? What was so wrong with him that nobody want him around for long? Why wasn't he even good enough for his parents? Hell his own children didn't have much to do with him, where did he go wrong, he did everything he could think of... Was he as bad a father as he was a son and later on a lover? He always done his best to put others first, but, now he's tired. Ready to go home, where ever that is...

Not that he would recognize it anyway.

"I love you..." Breaks the silence

He's heard it a hundred times before, and each time has proven to be as hollow as the one before.

But he manages to mutter, "Love you too."

He meant it wholly. But... The fear that encapsulates him won't let her words become real although it's the one thing he wants most in the world. He just wanted to fell that true unbreakable love before he faded from this earth. He wanted to be loved like he loves. A home.

"You ok baby?"

"Yea" he dared not share what he was thinking. He knew what that result would be... The nagging about it he could handle, it was the taking away that would eventualky come he dreaded and feared.

"Don't give me that, I know when somethings wrong"

"Yup, I know. It's nothing, maybe later..." He knew he'd never speak a word of it and make some shit up if she persisted. Letting his feeling out had never proved positive for him in the past and he didn't want to lose what he had with her. Hope he'd could at least limp through till old age provided him with a way out... Or, the weight proved too much and he took the cowards way out... Which he was determined to not do regardless of how low he got.

There had been a number of times where he was exceptionally close. Pistol to the head, just behind the temple to he sure the job got done, hammer cocked, finger on the trigger. Tears streaming down his cheeks, no fear of death, no fear of hell. Can't fear something you don't believe in...

He knew that even if there was a god, he wouldn't be going to heaven. He had renounced the idea of god and heaven a long tine ago. He spent many nights praying to just be loved and wanted by someone, he finally gave up and realized that even god didn't love him if he even existed...

"What can I do?"

"Nothing babe, I can't expect you to fight my demons. They're mine to fight and have to fight alone..."

"You don't have to be alone."

"Don't know any other way."

The depression was a war, not a battle that had waged in his head since he could remember. She knew this, but didn't really understand the severity nor complexity of it. There were many factors that made it seem worse. The main fact was him being raised by his grandparents, which was made worse by having kids of his own. How could someone just give up on their own child. Or any child for that matter. But, your own flesh and blood, a human that is part of you and you helped bring into this shitty fucking world. Especially as a baby. What in the fuck could a baby possibly do to make you abandon them with your parents? They tried to raise him like their own, and did their best. But, when the jealousy of his cousins lashed out and bit him, it didn't make him feel like any part of any family.

He was an outsider since before he could walk... And, has been since.

"I'm here for you babe."

"I know, least I hope so."

"Please tell me..." Almost begging

"I want to, but every time I do..." Trailing off

"What honey?"

"Nevermind, please just forget it."

"I won't forget it. I'm here for you."

"I know, but I've heard that before."

He had told her about how his childhood was, and how things had been in previous relationships. But, she didn't know how he had felt because of how things turned out.

He had but one fear. And, that was she didn't love him like she said (as others had claimed before) and, more so like he did her. For he knew that if she took her love away it sould be... As the cliche goes, the straw that broke the camels back... In his forties... He was tired of keeping on keeping on, he was just tired of the internal fight. He was done.

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