My life

And she said to him, "Who has hurt you so much?"

"So far...

   Everyone."

As they sat there in silence, her hands on his, he wondered why he was even still alive. Did he even deserve to be? If so, why was he always a burden to others? Did he not deserve love like most people? What was so wrong with him that nobody want him around for long? Why wasn't he even good enough for his parents? Hell his own children didn't have much to do with him, where did he go wrong, he did everything he could think of... Was he as bad a father as he was a son and later on a lover? He always done his best to put others first, but, now he's tired. Ready to go home, where ever that is...

Not that he would recognize it anyway.

"I love you..." Breaks the silence

He's heard it a hundred times before, and each time has proven to be as hollow as the one before.

But he manages to mutter, "Love you too."

He meant it wholly. But... The fear that encapsulates him won't let her words become real although it's the one thing he wants most in the world. He just wanted to fell that true unbreakable love before he faded from this earth. He wanted to be loved like he loves. A home.

"You ok baby?"

"Yea" he dared not share what he was thinking. He knew what that result would be... The nagging about it he could handle, it was the taking away that would eventualky come he dreaded and feared.

"Don't give me that, I know when somethings wrong"

"Yup, I know. It's nothing, maybe later..." He knew he'd never speak a word of it and make some shit up if she persisted. Letting his feeling out had never proved positive for him in the past and he didn't want to lose what he had with her. Hope he'd could at least limp through till old age provided him with a way out... Or, the weight proved too much and he took the cowards way out... Which he was determined to not do regardless of how low he got.

There had been a number of times where he was exceptionally close. Pistol to the head, just behind the temple to he sure the job got done, hammer cocked, finger on the trigger. Tears streaming down his cheeks, no fear of death, no fear of hell. Can't fear something you don't believe in...

He knew that even if there was a god, he wouldn't be going to heaven. He had renounced the idea of god and heaven a long tine ago. He spent many nights praying to just be loved and wanted by someone, he finally gave up and realized that even god didn't love him if he even existed...

"What can I do?"

"Nothing babe, I can't expect you to fight my demons. They're mine to fight and have to fight alone..."

"You don't have to be alone."

"Don't know any other way."

The depression was a war, not a battle that had waged in his head since he could remember. She knew this, but didn't really understand the severity nor complexity of it. There were many factors that made it seem worse. The main fact was him being raised by his grandparents, which was made worse by having kids of his own. How could someone just give up on their own child. Or any child for that matter. But, your own flesh and blood, a human that is part of you and you helped bring into this shitty fucking world. Especially as a baby. What in the fuck could a baby possibly do to make you abandon them with your parents? They tried to raise him like their own, and did their best. But, when the jealousy of his cousins lashed out and bit him, it didn't make him feel like any part of any family.

He was an outsider since before he could walk... And, has been since.

"I'm here for you babe."

"I know, least I hope so."

"Please tell me..." Almost begging

"I want to, but every time I do..." Trailing off

"What honey?"

"Nevermind, please just forget it."

"I won't forget it. I'm here for you."

"I know, but I've heard that before."

He had told her about how his childhood was, and how things had been in previous relationships. But, she didn't know how he had felt because of how things turned out.

He had but one fear. And, that was she didn't love him like she said (as others had claimed before) and, more so like he did her. For he knew that if she took her love away it sould be... As the cliche goes, the straw that broke the camels back... In his forties... He was tired of keeping on keeping on, he was just tired of the internal fight. He was done.

Don't know

I know a lot of people struggle with depression, some take medicine, some exercise, some meditate, some drink or drug, some run away, some just suffer, then there's a few that end their own lives to escape. I'm partial to the suffering one, (not that I like suffering) the others don't appeal to me, yes I do drink, but not to drown my "sorrows". I don't care for doctors nor their false cures of medication. Not into drugs. Too damned far gone to care to bother with exercise, meditation, or any variation there of. Running is temporary. And, although I have considered killing my self, I'm not going out that way, fuck that, this world will have to take me before I'll ever give in. But, I have wished I wouldn't wake up, and have fantasize about having a bad accident where I didn't survive. Yes, I do own a gun, if I was going to kill myself I'd done it by now, so move along.

But, with all that, it doesn't... It don't express my true feelings on the subject. I don't wish to die. I don't wish to be held, or for somebody to "love" me. Nor, do I wish people understood my "pain" or "condition". It's deeper than thoughts of suicide or death by happenstance. Its the thought of never having existed at all, to spare everyone the burden of you. If your birth had never happened, then there would be absolutely no sadness regarding your absence. No one would have to fake concern for you. I don't want your pitty, damn sure don't want your prayers. Its not about seeking porpoise, or belonging, or family. It has nothing to do with being alone or lonely. I would be content with living by myself in the woods with just my animals and only going to town once a month (if that often) for supplies. I know I have depression, and although it's consider mild to moderate (because I don't have active thoughts of suicide) it doesn't feel mild or moderate. It's actually pretty damn crippling. Motivation doesn't exist in my world. I have a lot of shit that I need to do. But, when it comes down to it, it seldom gets done. I know I am fully capable of doing the things, but am handicapped by my thoughts. I know my life has no meaning on this planet, and there is no such thing as legacy. Our children will have different ideals than we have, just the same as ours are different than our parents. And, how many of us can honestly say what our great grandparents stood for? How's that for some legacy?

Who then fights.

I fight
I try
I work
I sacrifice
I fight to be there
I try to be a friend
I work for happiness
I sacrifice my time
Expecting nothing in return
Wanting nothing from you
But I wonder why nobody fights for me

More life shit.

This is how I was raised by my grandparents (sorta), you didn't pass the potatoes at the table, the only thing that got passed was the salt and pepper (together mind you because they're a pair). Momma fixed the plates while pops and kids were getting situated at the table and pops plate was always brought out first and then the kids with momma bringing hers out when she came to sit. Then, if you were religious you prayed then you began to eat. Yes, everybody had their plates and were sitting at the table and you ate as a family. But, the main message of this is for people to fucking quit putting their kids before their husbands or wives. By doing that, you show that the husband or wife has no say in what happens and doesn't deserve respect. And, I wholly agree with that sentiment. My last two divorces were over her kids having more authority than I and for her arguing with me, (in front of the kids, mind you) when I'd try to correct her kids in some way. And, I don't care who it is, I'll tell them straight up, if you're going to put your kids before me. Then that's all you have as far as I'm concerned. Especially since if I want a relationship with someone, they will be put before my kids. Now, before anybody goes off half cocked. I'm not saying your kids should be put to the side for your man or woman, you're supposed to be a goddamn FAMILY. And, if either side is being neglected or it's otherwise detrimental to any of the children. Then, that relationship shouldn't exist. I'm not sure what my relationship beliefs would be called. Because what we consider tradition now, was new age for my grandparents. E. g. in my grandmas home, growing up and in her adult years, dinner was served to the men first and when they had their fill, then elder (8ish +) children, then the women and younger children got what was left. I don't see that going over today, even in a "traditional" household, nor do I believe it should. I do believe it's the mans job to provide for his family, and take of the homestead, and the woman should be able to stay home and raise their children properly. Also, in my grandparents day, every able body had a job and chores, you're old enough to walk, you were old enough to work. Now, I'm not talking about having them milk cows and mow the yard, but there was something they could do, help feed chickens, help string beans, sort beans, or more modernly, sort clothes, clean, vacuum, pick up toys and trash. But, I don't have a problem with a man staying home while his wife works. It's just whatever works for each family, in my opinion. But, what's missing now a days is the respect part. And, it's because people "put their kids first". And that's bullshit. Personally, I will not have my woman "correct" me or get onto me because I corrected their kid or told them not to do something or to not do something, there will be no argument about it. No, this isn't any of that my way or the highway shit, but if you have a problem with what I say or do, it can be discussed later in private, and then we can work it out or decide to go our separate ways. But, it will be guaranteed that if you get onto me or argue with me about something I said to your kid, different ways will be gone. And, I also guarantee that I won't correct you in front of mine or yours. That's just giving the kids the impression that there are two sets of rules and two septet families that just happen to hang out a lot or live together. 

And, this is in essence what's wrong with the world and society today. There is no respect and there is a lot of separation. All this us verses them shit, and different sets of rules and privileges depending on what you look like and what what you were born with. And, it's bullshit.  

Insurance Woes.

It's fucked up to me that insurance is set up the way it is here in the U. S. A. All insurance is a scam, a fucking scam that is required by law. But, I'm focusing more on health insurance and health care. I just laid down $85 damn dollars for a doctor to tell me my daughter has ,what I think is strep, and give her antibiotics. Then, I'll have to go across the street to the pharmacy t and drop another $20-30 on the prescription. (Yup, strep throat and $65 for medicine.)

Now before we get too far into this and I get people saying this that or the other about I should have insurance. I did, got denied recently by Soonercare because I make too much money. Yet, if I buy insurance through my job the cheapest is over $500 a month, a goddamn month. My biggest check from work has be about $1300 for a month, but I average about a grand a month. Oh, I should get a higher paying job? I chased drilling rigs from 1994 to 2011. Made damn good money, and got out as this last boom was just hitting its stride. Yet, look where the oilfield's at now. Thousands out of work with more getting laid off daily. You only hear about it when a company lays of hundreds at a time. You don't hear about when twenty roughnecks get told they don't have a job because the rig doesn't another hole to go to. You don't hear about when a hand goes in sicker than a dog, because he can't miss a day, because there ain't anyone to cover his job and he'd probably lose his job even if they did. My job is stable, for now. And, on top of that my hourly pay is still considered "good" pay. 

$10/hr is considered good pay where I'm from, so I'll break it down using that. If a person is making $10/hr works 40 hrs/wk, that amounts to $400/wk. For four weeks that comes to $1600 or $20800 a year, which would average to a little over $1700 a month. After income tax at 15% you get about $1475. Then you're left with about $500 a month, after your house payment and utilities, to pay for fuel, phone and insurance. Through my work, insurance averages over $500 a month for one person. Now, my insurance is paid for, but to add my kid it's over $500 a month for health, dental, vision and life. Yet, I'm denied state insurance because I make too much money. 

My kid has strep throat, I knew this when I left the house for the doctors office this morning. But, that knowledge didn't save me the $85 for the appointment to get a prescription for it. Nor, did it save me the $65 for the medicine. And, it damn sure ain't going to cover the pay I lost by having to take off work to take her to the doctor and get her medicine. So, now I ask, why the fuck did I have to shell out a day's pay to the doctor, for him to look at my kid, say "yup you got strep" and call in a prescription for it. From the time we arrived till the time we left was less than a half hour. Shit, if I was making half that an hour, I wouldn't be worried about money or paying for insurance. Also, why the hell does insurance cost $500 a damn month. I understand it's incaseshit, but at an even $500 that's $6000 a year. For basically nothing. Just in case I may need to see a doctor or have surgery, of which you still have a copay, and deductibles, and then even if you meet your yearly deductible you still have to pay a good chunk of money to cover what insurance doesn't.

It's bullshit. 

Transgendered?

Ya know, with all this transgender crap in the media here lately. It kind makes me want to put on a dress and heels and take up a urinal right next to these guys, and see just how bad people would rather me go in the MENS restroom. I mean hell, most guys are uncomfortable when a straight man uses the next urinal over. I couldn't even imagine the reaction they have over a transgendered man/woman. I also would like to know if they'd feel the same about a woman that identified as a man followed their little boy into the men's room. Edits later...

Just Don't Know

Before I begin. I want to start out saying that I'm in no way being a whiny little bitch or in anyway complaining about my life. Nor do I believe that I'm in a bad position in any way, shape, or form. And, I'm not looking for sympathy, pity, or encouragement or anything of that sort. Not, doing that whole woe is me bullshit, and I'm damn sure not blaming anybody but myself. 

That being said...

I have some fucked up shit going on in my head. I'm not sure what it is, I was clinically diagnosed years ago with depression and I mildly agree with that. But, it seems to be more than just mere depression. I have little motivation to do much of anything, unless it's something that is absolutely necessary. Even as much as I love fishing, if I don't either take off when I make the decision to go, or basically force myself to go, if I have to plan it for later, I won't go. Hell, I just bought a damn boat so I can access the lake better and get to the deeper parts during winter. I have a ton of shit I need and want to do around the house and at the shop, but I just have a problem getting of my ass and getting shit done. When it comes to work, I do enjoy my job and most of the people I work with. Yet, I still have a hard time getting around, not near as bad as my personal stuff at home, but still enough to bug the fuck out of me. Because I know if I didn't need the job, I wouldn't bother. Just like everything else though, once I get started, I'm golden, just like Pony Boy. I will fucking rock what I'm doing and I don't stop till I'm fucking done or at a good stopping point for the day. I'm beginning to think there either something wrong with my carb or the choke is stuck. 

I just don't know what's wrong, or off kilter. I've been on three different medications for depression, tried herbal shit. Putting a name on what it is doesn't concern me any, just want to figure out a way to make shit work again. When I was younger, I didn't have this problem. If I knew something needed to be done, I set a time and a goal and went and did the shit, got it done, and went home. Now, I set a time and a goal, and make excuses and put it off for another fifteen minutes. Today is a good example, I'm taking some birds and rabbits to a local auction tonight, check in started two hours ago. I had planned to have that done and back home working on my truck by now. But, I'm just now getting in the shower. First it was, after this cup of coffee, at seven this morning, then it was after breakfast at eight thirty, then it was well I need to dry my pants (my fault for forgetting to throw them in the dryer last night) and now I'm sitting here writing this. 

But, writing this, I'm not going to get mad at myself about. I was standing at my back door smoking, and was looking around and my yard looks like shit, complete and utter shit. Telling myself I need to get this done and that done. Thought, wish I had more time to do this stuff, then as I was walking back to the bathroom to shower. I called bullshit on myself. Because I do have enough time to take care of this shit. I have plenty of goddamn energy for it, and I'm by far not a lazy person. Although I do feel that way when I can't get myself off my ass to do it. I don't put it off to be lazy or because I just don't want to do it. I don't dread doing any of it, I just dread starting. I just don't do it. And, I don't know why. 

I don't suffer depression, it's a symptom I have. It's not a struggle for me, I just deal with it and go on. Like everything else in life, adapt and compensate, except I have a problem with the compensate part.

I don't write here to get pity or sympathy, I don't need encouragement or a cheerleader. I write here to express the thoughts I have nowhere else to express, and though some of it may seem random and inconciquintal, I really have no where else to express myself truly and fully. 

Just fuckin tired.

I guess it's just an aggravating day for me. Little shit that's usually just minor gripes are really pissing me off today. 

I'm tired of Facebook links that send you to a fucking link to the article you want to read. Just send me to the main article.

I'm tired of multi page articles, it 2015 for fucks sake, keep it all on one page.

I'm tired of articles that are stock and unimaginative. Do some goddamn research that involves you actually getting up from your fucking desk.

I'm tired of dipshits who get pissed off and act like assholes because someone else did something they don't agree with and has absolutely no fucking affect on their lives. 

I'm tired of people being selfish little pricks. Only thinking about themselves and how to enrich their lives. Without even the faintest thought to how it makes others feel. 

On a similar note...

I'm tired of fuckers who just think about how bad their life is, oh woe is me. Who gives a fuck. There's only one person in the whole damn world who doesn't have it better than anybody else. Everybody else on the whole damn planet has it better than someone. 

I'm tired of television shows that have people so self absorbed and stupid that they would have been institutionalized by the end of the second episode for the stupid shit they've done.

I'm tired of jackasses who think donating to Goodwill is giving to charity. 

And by the way, it isn't '101 Uses For Duct Tape' it just you thinking of one hundred and one things to tape to one hundred and one different things. 

Do Unto Yourself As You Expect Of Others.

As I sit and walk through this life, I have a tendency to watch other people. And, I find it funny how people see the faults in other but not the same ones in themselves. 

I've had acquaintances that I've seen out with other people and then turn around and bitch because they caught their significant other with someone else. I have watched parents gripe about how another parents child acts and ignore their child doing something just as disrespectful. Or, bitch about how this kids parents get them anything they want or buy them something because they had a bad day, yet to their child the meaning of want is to get. 

This isn't about morals, or right and wrong. It's about how we refuse to see in ourselves what we see in others. Not just what's undesirable but also what is desirable. I try to reflect upon myself when I see something in others that I don't agree with and see if I allow the same things in my life and my mind. I may not be perfect but I try to be what I expect of others. 

NFL Draft And Sports Controversy.

Was at a friends house watching the NFL Draft. I had heard about this Gregory kid before in idle conversation, and then during the draft about his failed drug test at the combine. And, me and my friend got to talking about all the shit going on in sports off the sidelines. And with what these players go through, not only on the field but off it also. It's not hard to understand why they get this way, and I've come to actually expect it. I don't believe it's ok, nor do I condone it, just expect it. And, you should too, so should anybody who chooses to get into a relationship with them. And, I don't blame the players, coaches, or the league itself for the majority of it.

And, I'll tell to yer face, I swear to god I will.  

These guys are expected to not only preform to the utmost ability, but to keep that level day in and day out. In practice and in the game. Because, ya know what, if they slack off, they get dropped from their position and get put on the bench instead of starting. And, for those that don't know, if they ain't playing, they don't get that six figure a year deal. So, I understand why they get on the drugs, both illegal and legal ones, not only to enhance their performance, but to also relax, relive stress, and to kill the pain. That's one thing I respect about how OKC handled Durant's foot problem, they could have cortisone'd his ass and sent him out. But, they said they were going to get him healed up right, before they put him back in the lineup. Not all sports teams do that, actually most don't. They only care about the win, because that's all you care about. 

Back to the drug issue for a bit. You only hear about the illegal shit the players do, the pot, the coke, heroine, opiates, shit of that sort, you don't hear about all the doctor prescribed drugs they pump into these guys to keep them on the field and at their peak. Just because it's got a doctors signature on it, don't make its safe or non-addictive nor performance enhancing.

Now back to where I was going. I said it's not the players or the leagues or even the coaches fault. It's yours, it's our fault. If these guys weren't out there delivering the big hits, hitting all the threes, slamming all the dunks from the three point line, hitting 450' homers, making slap shots from thirty feet out, hanging on for eight seconds, plowing over 1,500 pounds of linemen for a yard, winning all the gold medals, landing a spike that bloodied the blockers nose and didn't even touch them, and the list can go on forever if you wish. But, if these guys weren't performing like they currently are, then you wouldn't watch. You'd move on, and there'd be no professional sports... or Avenger movies. The American society has created these human beasts. It's not just sports, it's cinema also. We, want harder hits, longer homers, glass shattering dunks, fifty foot threes, deflate and bury the ball spikes, slap shots that sever all the fingers, swimmers that outrun porpoises, bigger explosions, more blood, harsher wrecks, more bigger badasser explosiveier bloodier trainier wreckiers. But don't do any drugs, stay clean, you're a role model. Fuck that, you should be your kids goddamn role model, if you aren't you're a fucking sack off shit. Your children shouldn't learn how to behave from sports or movies or television, or even their teachers at school, that's the responsibility you took on when you decide to fuck whomever you did to produce that child, it's in the terms and conditions. And, I'll tell to yer face, I swear to god I will. Nobody cares about the actual story or the players anymore, we don't want a to be told a tale, we don't want to know how much it hurts just getting up in the mornings. And, it's evident in the movies that become blockbusters, and the television shows that get top ratings too. We want to see people suffer. Even though Batman caused more destruction trying to catch The Joker than the Joker did to provoke him. Batman is the hero, same with Iron Man, the Hulk, and countless other superheroes. 

It's not them it's us, they are a product of our society. They are what we want to see. People constantly bitch about some player knocking his old lady out in the elevator, or another raping a few ladies, smoking pot at a party, or whatever the train wreck is that is the Kardashians. You say you don't agree with what they do, yet you still tune in to see what they'll do and how hard they'll do it, or how hard they either go down or take somebody down. They do it to be the best for your entertainment purposes. Not because they're inherently bad or mean. They're mean because of the pressure to preform and the drugs they take to keep them performing. 

So, I say this. If you don't like how these people act in their day to day lives, don't watch their respective sport or movie or show. Dry up the money well, then there will be no pressure for the performance you have come to expect. Then, they won't have to do all the drugs that make them preform like they do and hit people or rape them and what have ya.